His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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