Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
