Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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