Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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