Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
