My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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