just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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