I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
