you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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