Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
