dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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