make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
