community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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