I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
