I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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