I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
