When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
