Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
