Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
