I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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