Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
