I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
