Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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