This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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