dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
