Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
