when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
