Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
