I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
