I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
