I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
