Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
