were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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