got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
