i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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