so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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