You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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