I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
