I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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