I met the friendliest cop last night
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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