The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we made out on top of his cat.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
