Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
