Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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