and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
