I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
