I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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