We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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