im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
