The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
