Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Come on in and take your pants off
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