I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
