The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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