what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
